Snippets of life…
I live on an alley, that is slowly becoming a laneway, where people walk and drive, and it is starting to have a life of its own. I love when people walk by, and I get to see snippets of their life. It is so hot here, but thankfully there is not a lot of humidity. It is my last day off and I go back to work tomorrow. I don’t want to think about it, I just want to enjoy myself today. I have no idea what I am going to do today, part of me wants to cook–peanut butter cookies with buttercream icing….oh yeah they are that good. I could cook 24/7 if I had endless amounts of energy and air conditioning….oh the joys of air con in the kitchen! My next place will have air con so I can cook all the time.
My nearest and dearest is off to Europe for just over a month as his last hurrah before settling down in Boulder. CO to do some body work. I will get to see him just after the high holydays, and I will bake and cook and he will eat!
Ahhh the High Holydays, it brings me back to last year, that in a way seems so far away and yet so close at the same time. I will not be working the day leading up to Yom Kippur and if I am it will be a day where I will eat and eat and eat! I will not cry over the fact that I feel that I have been replaced and I will spend it in my community, not holed up in my home. I am going to try my hand at honey buttercream icing, and apple cupcakes, both of the gluten free and regular variety….
This summer has actually been great so far. I feel like I have been out in the world, and I have met new people and things are starting to expand for me. I know that I did not keep some of what I said I would do this year, so they have to become a higher priority in my life now. But life is a lot less boring than it was this time last year, and it seems more hopeful-eventhough I did not get into school and things look different than I hoped they would.
Check out the Peanut Butter and Jelly cupcake I made: Jelly injected into the cupcake and the gingham liners courtesy of my friend Anne!
smoked meat, moog audio, bifteck and the joys of life
I am back from Montreal, and it was a good time!
Good being one of those words that conjures up non-stop excitement, parties and general revelry! There of course was a lot of that, but it is also a textured time…time for re-building, listening, supporting and continuing. My nearest and dearest came home, and the first night we were up until 4:30 am talking about life and where he was going and what was going on. If I had thought I had gone through a lot, he too has gone through a lot….we had a chance to swap stories, life events and our general feelings about where each of us is at this point in our lives….It has become evident to me that our paths will diverge, if not for forever, but at least for a time. That both excites me and saddens me, the base, less evolved and child like part of me of course wants things to go back as they were at the end of the 30 minutes, but the adult in me wants to see him make his way in the world. That part is exciting! That part is going to be sustaining! I am all about that part of his life. That hard part is that he will not be in my back pocket, and won’t be part of my daily life. That I am assuming is how it is supposed to be, and I just have to accept that as a part of life. We have not lived in each other’s daily life for many years, I just thought for some reason we would end up in the same place.
I do have to say, that I did eat one of the best smoke meat sandwiches in the world when I was there! Could have been the best ever! I was so glad that on his first foray to The Main on Friday night, that he got the best that it had to offer! We had good times walking around the city, and he humoured me as I walked up and around the old and orthodox part of Montreal. I educated him on the way of the Chasids in the neighbourhood, and what it all meant…not that it meant that much to him, but he knew how important it was to me. No Cheskies though, closed for Shabbat–of course.
We have just finished the holiday of Tisha B’Av, which is the mourning of the destruction of the temples and of the Jews lack of faith in G-d. I bring it up because I too am in a state of mourning, and one of the things that comes out when one is mourning, is that there will be good at the end of it all. Right now is a transformative time, I have to re-think the path that I am going down, as I am not going to school in the fall–I will be taking courses but I will not be going to school to study Social Work….so what is the next step? Join the circus? Have a nap? Eat a sandwich? That is what this time is for, the life I thought I would be living at this point will not happen, and so now is the time for the re-org …make no mistake, I will apply again, with a better application, and I will double check and triple check everything, now that I know how it all works. But while I am in the time of doing that, I do have to think again and re-think, how does it all work? What will it all look like? How will it all feel? I don’t shy away from this type of stuff that is for sure, and in some cases it causes me so much pain, but I let it out, I honour. I hate it sometimes, but it is part of the life cycle. I sit at home today, and think about life, think about what a great day it is, how sunny and truly lucky I am, so that tempers the feelings of mourning and sadness…I was going to go to work, but that is not going to happen. I am going to take the day, my week will be damned, but it will be fine…I have committed to what I have committed to, and I am going to get through all of it. By this time next week, I will be on holiday until the following week, and I will continue to work on my house, myself, and I will propel me forward! That I will do!
This is what it is all about…..L’Chaim!
nearest and dearest
When I say welcome back home, I mean welcome back home–to your home full of people who love you, and know you!
My nearest and dearest got home today, and I am heading to Montreal on Thursday…I am so excited to spend time with him, and hang out and just be with my best friend! I can’t believe I made it through 2 years of having him away! So much happened during that time, so much he knows about and so much he doesn’t know about….I think about when he left and I think yeah it was a long time ago. I was working on a film, had not decided that, that was not for me and had not decided to go back to do my MSW….WOW! That is a long time ago. I do remember just wading through his time away, working, baking, hanging out, and now I get to show him all that I have done. Well except that I am a bit chubbier, but that’s only because I was so freaking skinny this time last year!
Off to Montreal. yay!
forget alexis on fire–jano’s on fire!
It has been a busy vacation which started last Thursday. To have 10 days off that I was not expecting, is a great gift. I see my clients and that’s it! A veritable life of leisure.
This week, I made a cake, made cupcakes, cleaned my kitchen for the billionth time, made a kick ass pizza with real mozzarella from Italy, and today I painted the old crappy metal chairs that are drying in the sun on my driveway. I might make cookies later on, if I can get my lazy ass to the bulk barn….yeah probably not! That’s the one thing I am going to miss about my client over in the east, is that we used to go to the Bulk Store all the time so I never ran out of anything…what baker does not have flour? The lazy ass one who does not want to go to the Bulk Barn.
I got some accent colours that will be great for the inside of my kitchen cabinets, and now all I have to do is figure out what colour I want to paint the walls…it will all be colours of yellow, but I have to pick the right colour. THAT job will be a 2 day extravaganza and might result in tears! Canada Day might be a good day to start, there won’t be much else going on that day….the last time I painted my house it took 2 days, and that scares me! Ah well, maybe I will cajole myself with beer…beer makes it all better!
My landlord came over today, and it always makes me nervous when he does, because I think “rent increase”. Although let’s say for the record, there would have to be a lot of work done before he could increase my rent, like a new stove and fridge, plus a whole new counter unit…oh the list would go on. But I still hate it!
well after all
I just finished my most ambitious endeavour, ever! I just finished my first dance with fondant icing and it was a moderate success! The 3 tier cake is now in the fridge getting cold, and the biggest thing I learned is that when they say have a fondant smoother, they are not kidding! I will make sure that I get one before I do that again! Go thicker with the fondant rather than thinner, less icing is better, and icing sugar does work! So now my cake is done and I am exhausted. I baked the cake yesterday and then did the rest today, and just as I had hoped I was done WAY before I needed to, and I just have to go and get a drink umbrella for my cake, and I am epic done! I am praying that the rain is over, so that I can get this cake to its destination dry!
Here is a post of the said cake, and the various stages that it went through today.
The theme is “Beach Blanket Bingo”……so there we have it… a devil’s food cake with peanut butter buttercream cake with a beach theme, made out of fondant….the cocktail umbrella will make it fantastic! Not bad for a first time….lesson’s learned!
pink lemonade, cotton candy and floaty clouds
I am now on vacation courtesy of the G20……one of my offices is shut down and won’t open until after Canada Day….I love that! I now have time to be in my own home and I have time to figure out home stuff. It is all I can think about to be honest. The big “worry” is what colour couch to get, what I want my living room to look like, can I swing getting a flat screen and blu-ray this week, so much fluffy stuff to think about.
Today is one of my best friend’s birthdays, and I get to go and eat boeuf bourgninon tonight…oh how I will love it. I will of course make my one trick pony cupcakes….ha ha! So yum! I have to buy a bottle of champagne, and get my day going. I am off to find fondant, and getting cake stuff ready. I so love it! I love the challenge and I love that I am excited about the challenge….
My nearest and dearest is landing in Montreal on the 12th and I am going on the 15th….I am so looking forward to seeing him in the flesh, talking to him and hearing about his last 2 years. I have lived through it, but it will be different experiencing it first hand…..ribs, good beer, smoked meat and my beloved city, and my best friend…all at the same time–my head might pop off!
the year after, is always the year of nexts
The thing about when you lose someone is that the first year is spent grieving in the most fundamental way….walking down a street reminds you of them, a song, an expression, a thought, a colour. It reminds you of a life that you once had with them in it. The one thing I have to say as I settle into the year that proceeds the year of mourning, is that the second year is the year of nexts. The dates start being the days that they did not take up physical space in your life a year earlier. I prayed against reason during the mourning year that they would come back…much like the lyric of one of my favourite bands of all time Stars, ” you drop a coin into the sea and shout out “please come back to me”". That’s how the first year went, praying against reason for him to come back and life to feel normal and everyone-normal.
Once I “came to” and swept away the bottles of wine, beer, gin, vodka and any other escapism I had consumed last year, I realized that THIS year is the year of next. There are experiences that will be of the future and will forge the new life. Stars put out their new album aptly named 5 Ghosts yesterday, and that album is an epic reminder of the years of next. Stars as I have said, have a sacred place in my life…not just on the day of departure, but during design school, when against my better judgement I put away my patterns, and turned off the lights, lit candles and said to him that this would be a night we would remember forever. That was the first night Stars entered my soul and they have taken up residence there ever since. They make me feel ok about the fact that life does have to go on, and that I have to forge of year of nexts. He would want me to go on, and knowing that intellectually is much different from knowing that in your heart. I am slowly learning that the heart heals and the utter despondence of grief goes away, or at the most, dissipates to a point where life is livable…..
Another year of nexts comes when my nearest and dearest comes back from Korea in two weeks… he will come back to a “family” that is not the family that was here when he left. When he left “he” was here, our family unit was the family unit that we knew. Now when he comes back his son won’t be here and there will be others to take “his” place. That makes me realize how long he has been gone, how much I have gone through without him and how much I have done without him…life is going to be a bit crazy for a while…but this is part of a life well lived and well loved…..
it’s raining and we live in long island city
Today started out with EPIC amounts of rain….buckets and buckets, I thought my skylight was going to give way…but it didn’t. Today has been productive and I am getting ready to head out the door to start my outside day. I have to go and see a client and head off to my other job for a few hours to clean up stuff that I should have done yesterday. I am taking a hiatus from the way I normally approach life and specifically my schedule. I have made a promise that I will go into the office at least 4 days a week, so that I can get all my stuff done. I am not a fan of going into the office, not because it’s not a nice office-it’s a great, no pressure, positive space, I just hate offices. I applaud people who can go to the office everyday and not gouge their eyes out. I am a more out in the community kind of person, and I do that really well. But the good has to come with the bad, or the upside has to come with a downside, and that is the office. I don’t even really have to spend much time there each day 5 hours tops. But I have to go there…..
I made a pie this morning during the rain, for my uncle….it turned out really well until I moved it and the pie crust cracked…oh well, presentation 1 me 0. I am trying out some new recipes over the next couple of days for a party that I am going to…pink lemonade cupcakes–oh yes I went there…. if they work, I will sugar some lemons and put them on top…..oh yes I did! I will of course make what I now refer to as my one trick pony cupcakes–devils food and peanut butter blah blah, they are always my back up plan….I will also master my piping bag, I realized after looking at a bunch of pictures that I have been doing it all wrong and that’s why my icing never worked…so I feel a bit better about that….
The sun is out now, and I think I have to get out and go to the office–drats!
life in the normative sense
I am sitting in front of my computer, on a typical humid Toronto day…and I love it. The dogs are asleep on the floor and they are hot and well run….I love it!
I love living in this city, even with its crazy energy, and incredible demands, I love it.
One of my good friends just moved right by the lake and now I have an excuse to go and hang out and drink coffee waterside. I love that I can have sushi whenever I want, that music, art,books and booze are all within a stones throw of where I live.
I found out that we are on summer hours at work, so that means I have a week where I don’t work. While I am not jazzed about that from a financial perspective, I am happy that I am going to be able to work on my house, and my deck. I think this weekend I am going to paint the chairs that I got last winter and put them out on the deck where they belong for the summer. I also want to get rid of my coat stand, and get something to put the coats on ( well they are all going away for the summer ) and get the clutter out. This place gets hot and sticky in the summer and the less out the better.
My paper journal has officially run out of paper, so I have to get a new one, and while that sounds like a pretty easy task, I like these certain journals and I am having trouble finding a place that sells them.
I love my quiet, non drama life. I like that I have a life, with good friends, and good times. Sometimes it takes going away to make a person realize that they have it pretty good!
This little beauty was parked outside of my synagogue!
Vancouver- a pedestrian city
Back from my well deserved vacation to the west coast……
I had a great time! I ate sushi, survived the wedding, saw great friends, had some really great wine…it was just great! I have to say though, it has given me a new appreciation for the city I call home. Apart from the fact that it rained everyday but the day of my sister’s community party, and the wedding afternoon, I just find Vancouver not enough…there just isnt enough of anything there to keep you occupied. I have always said that Vancouver is like the Twinkie city, it has all the looks of a great place, but none of the substance to back it up. They have some of the best sushi that I have ever tasted, but apart from that, there is no wow factor. I could not live ( again ) with all that rain…it is just depressing! I also have re-affirmed that people in Vancouver are more like Albertans than they want to admit, and they are pretty anal retentive…I guess it is and will always have that cowboy, frontier mentality, which I find to be pretty much white and in bed by 10 pm. Dont get me wrong, it was a great trip, but I guess I thought that after being away for 12 years, and having an Olympics under their belt, Vancouver would have way more to offer. What it has to offer is a ton of condos gobbling up the view of the mountains over behind West and North Van, and a ton of rain. Ethnic food? Well perhaps the one Central American restaurant is enough to keep everyone happy, but Chinese and Japanese food is not ethnic-half the population is from Asia. I just found that it lacked texture, yeah there are all sorts of new hip neighbourhoods, but hip is a relative thing.
So next time I want to spend money to hang out with white people that pretty much lack texture, I will go to an all you can drink Cuban vacation, at least I won’t freeze my ass off and I will come home with more than just a digital camera.
